My Slow Suicide
by Lollie782
Summary: Zeke's not been coping as well as he shows. The rafting disaster was the push to the edge causing naive Zeke to deal with his problems alone, replacing his pain, dangerously. Only he was slowly killing himself, his life being eaten away. So to speak...
1. The Real Me

**Chapter 1****The Real Me**_**Zeke's POV**__I'll bet you thought I was coping with everything. That I had accepted what happened to me and moved on. But being abducted wasn't so easy to get over let alone forgetting who your family was. To tell the truth, there was only one way to move on, only one way I found to cope with it all. Not just with what happened after the rafting accident. It may seem a long time ago but when I lost my mum my world came crashing down. In a way, it was lucky Dad, Katya and Rachel were going through the same thing. We could all go through it together. And then my Dad died. That was even worse. Thing is, when my mum was dying, I wished it was dad. I don't know why I did it, I just did. I'd have given anything to stop her from dying. I didn't realise I'd even have given up Dad. Sometimes, even now, I still think if I hadn't have made that wish Dad would still be then when Karl came along it was like a second chance for a dad. He'll never be able to replace my real dad and it's good he doesn't want to compete with anyone. But he's like a father and I actually felt like his somehow that came crashing down too, along with the roof. I thought Karl would have preffered me dead over Libby because she was his own flesh and blood. Even though I now understand that he saw Libby in more danger, I still can't ignore that wake up call that it's never the same as real parents. And I'll never get that people say you just have to move on and get on with your life. It's really not that easy. See, I did have a dad again. Only then I didn't even know my name. It's one fo the weirdest and most hurtful thing to happen in my life. I was actually happy, believe it or not, but then when I phoned Susan was the beginning of losing myself. I'm lost. Even though I'm back and I can remember the main aspects of my life, I'm still like I said, there was an actual way I found of coping. It was totally stupid and something I'd never thought I'd even consider but it kept my mind off of everything. It took my mind off all the pain, all the anger. It was finally something that I could do right in my life. Nothing else seemed to go right at all. Everything went wrong for me a long time , I spend a lot of my time alone. In my room, thinking, or in my radio station as Lost Boy. Being Lost Boy took a load off my chest. It let me talk to people, even my best friends without them even knowing. Save myself the embarrassment I guess. Music was a way to express myself. Well, I guess you pretty much figured that out even that wasn't enough. That wasn't going to get me through whatever the hell it was that I'm going through. A stupid secret life playing music isn't the answer! I hated what I was doing to myself. I hated the fact that I was killing myself. I knew what I was doing and it made me feel good. It made me feel better. I could see things clearer. It was weird and yet so simple at the same time.I walked home alone. Again. Day after day, walking home and alone. That was how I wanted it. Nowadays, all Ringo and Declan want is for things to go back to normal. Sometimes I am bubbly Zeke. But that was only on good days. They try and act like how it was before but all it does is just get me angry. I'm not Zeke the Geek anymore. Why can't they accept that?!A lot of the time I can smile, I can have a laugh. I can come up with funny jokes and have fun. But that was all a mask. It would arouse suspicion and people would start to worry. When people worry, they watch you and that was the last thing I needed.I walked back in from school today and arrived to see Susan fluffing up the cushions. Why she was, I don't know. Something to do I guess. It must be boring when you're alone all day, nothing to do."Hi, love" Susan said, in her usual, cheery, friendly way. "Have a good day?""Um" I said, slowly, not entirely sure how my day was. "It was ok. Nothing new." I threw my bag on the sofa, lingering around as she approached me. I noticed the expression on her face was now her concerned look and I knew she was about to ask if I was ok. "Yeah, I'm fine," I replied. I gave the look of a non-troubled teenager, innocent and sweet like she would have wanted."Would you like a drink?" Susan asked, to pass away the awkward moment. "Something to eat?"I pulled a face. "No thanks." I said. "Actually, I've got work to do." I used that as an excuse. It was a good one. One she couldn't argue against. Normally mothers had to check their childs planners to catch them out if they did have homework but in this case, if Susan wanted to, she'd have to check my planner making sure that I wasn't lying. She didn't check my planner, ever. If she did she'd know most of the time I said I had work, there would be none."Are you sure?" Susan asked me, continuing on the subject of supper. "You look like you need something.""No" I said, a little too fast. "I actually had something on the way home." I smiled innocently at her. She accepted at last. She didn't have a little she knew I barely had a proper meal since I came back home... _


	2. The Reasons

**_Chapter 2  
The Reasons_**

Zeke's POV

Not eating gave me an escapism. In some ways it was my biggest secret, something for me and me only. And in other ways it was a cry for help. I knew all of this. I'm not stupid. I knew it would show soon. As in really show. But it'd just have to hide it. I mean, I've always been skinny so I guess there wouldn't be that much difference…would there?

It started when I first arrived home. I didn't know who my family were. I didn't trust them at all so when they offered me food I declined. I was starving by the end of the week. But the weird thing was, I liked it. It took my mind off of what happened. It was like a distraction and something I can control. Nothing in my life seemed like it was under my control, not even who my family was for a while. You know, it doesn't even feel like my life. I don't know what my life is, I don't even know me. Yeah, getting to know yourself is something all teenagers go through but not like this. I mean, have you ever totally been lost? Have you ever asked who someone is not knowing you're talking about yourself? I didn't think so. When I finally did remember that these people were my family, I still didn't eat. I wasn't entirely sure why. I still don't know why.

This was something to keep my mind on. It was big enough to take the pain away replaced with the physical pain of starvation. Why I couldn't deal with this another way, I don't know. I couldn't find another way. And when I found this way, I didn't look for another. This was doing me fine.

And now I avoid it whenever I can. I make excuses, sometimes I pretend I'm in a foul mood or that I'm really down and I go in my room and stay in there, pretending to sulk. Ringo's barely in all the time so it's not difficult to hide it from him. Susan's being Susan: constantly worried. Sunny doesn't really know me well enough to notice if I act differently and Karl's away right now.

You know, sometimes I wonder if they even care. Yes, I was doing my best to be secretive and everything but surely something was noticeable. Would they care if they had realised? I mean, I never wanted them to but in a way I was hoping someone would think I'm not quite alright as I make out.

You know how I do it? You know how I hide it? I say I've already eaten sometimes. Rarely, I'll say that I'm ill but mainly what I do is keep the conversation going at the dinner table. Every time I lift up my fork I always say something and ask random questions. Get their mind on other stuff. Maybe confuse them. I disguise my plate as though I've been eating from it and when others are done I offer to take their plate for washing up. They never know. Especially as it's my job I have to take the bins out every night. Another alternative.

I never thought it would get too far. I had it under control. I know that starving yourself could lead to heart attacks, mainly, but I never would let it get that far. I didn't want to die. I wouldn't go to that extreme.

Would I?

The Reasons

Zeke's POV

Not eating gave me an escapism. In some ways it was my biggest secret, something for me and me only. And in other ways it was a cry for help. I knew all of this. I'm not stupid. I knew it would show soon. As in really show. But it'd just have to hide it. I mean, I've always been skinny so I guess there wouldn't be that much difference…would there?

It started when I first arrived home. I didn't know who my family were. I didn't trust them at all so when they offered me food I declined. I was starving by the end of the week. But the weird thing was, I liked it. It took my mind off of what happened. It was like a distraction and something I can control. Nothing in my life seemed like it was under my control, not even who my family was for a while. You know, it doesn't even feel like my life. I don't know what my life is, I don't even know me. Yeah, getting to know yourself is something all teenagers go through but not like this. I mean, have you ever totally been lost? Have you ever asked who someone is not knowing you're talking about yourself? I didn't think so. When I finally did remember that these people were my family, I still didn't eat. I wasn't entirely sure why. I still don't know why.

This was something to keep my mind on. It was big enough to take the pain away replaced with the physical pain of starvation. Why I couldn't deal with this another way, I don't know. I couldn't find another way. And when I found this way, I didn't look for another. This was doing me fine.

And now I avoid it whenever I can. I make excuses, sometimes I pretend I'm in a foul mood or that I'm really down and I go in my room and stay in there, pretending to sulk. Ringo's barely in all the time so it's not difficult to hide it from him. Susan's being Susan: constantly worried. Sunny doesn't really know me well enough to notice if I act differently and Karl's away right now.

You know, sometimes I wonder if they even care. Yes, I was doing my best to be secretive and everything but surely something was noticeable. Would they care if they had realised? I mean, I never wanted them to but in a way I was hoping someone would think I'm not quite alright as I make out.

You know how I do it? You know how I hide it? I say I've already eaten sometimes. Rarely, I'll say that I'm ill but mainly what I do is keep the conversation going at the dinner table. Every time I lift up my fork I always say something and ask random questions. Get their mind on other stuff. Maybe confuse them. I disguise my plate as though I've been eating from it and when others are done I offer to take their plate for washing up. They never know. Especially as it's my job I have to take the bins out every night. Another alternative.

I never thought it would get too far. I had it under control. I know that starving yourself could lead to heart attacks, mainly, but I never would let it get that far. I didn't want to die. I wouldn't go to that extreme.

Would I?


End file.
